the jukebox problem
i don't think i can fix my music problem. i think there is a solution, somewhere, but i think my trying to fix it is a losing game. finding new music was always easy for me before, it would juce come to me in the exact moments i needed it. i thought the problem was that i didnt know where to look any more, but theres music all around me, people are always sharing songs they like. i just dont connect with it the same way. i so rarely have opportunities to just Listen to music, and focus on that. sure music can be playing and i'll hear it, but i rarely pay attention to it in a meaningful way. i won't remember it later or have any desire to seek it out.
the times when i do still listen to music are when i need it to complete a task. i have to have music on when im doing dishes or otherwise cleaning, and i've learned to like having it on when i shower. but in those situations it has to be very specific music. it needs to be music that i am already intimately familiar with, and music that i can sing without getting dysphoric.
i really didnt expect the voice drop from t to affect me as much as it did, like, emotionally. it was the thing i wanted most before i started, but it's probably the one thats given me the most trouble since. i had no idea my singing voice was so important to me. i never thought i was good at singing before, i didn't want to even consider it a possibility. i spent years hating drawing because my desire to be good at it stripped any joy i could take from the act. ive always Loved singing along to music, ive done it as long as i can remember, and i decided early on i would not let perfectionism take that from me.
i guess somewhere along the way though, perfectionism seeped in. i may not have a theoretical understanding of music, but i can tell when i'm not hitting the notes i used to. but unfortunately without a theoretical understanding of music, i dont have a clue how to harmonize, or switch to a lower octave. i learned to sing by basic mimicry. if it doesnt sound exactly the same to me, i dont recognize it. songs that used to be comfortable to me are now just pockmarked by my failure to adapt.
R has tried to help me expand my range a few times. it usually results in me crying. the way my voice just putters out when it gets too high, i cant even make a bad sounds most of the time, its just air passing through, not catching whatever vocal folds allow a sound to be produced.
it hasnt been all bad. i'm feeling meloncholy about all this, but my new lower range has been a joy to explore. i have found songs that fit in it that make me feel happy and fulfilled to sing, and plenty of my favourite songs are still in my range. its fine. im not ruined. its just frustrating, trying to relearn a skill i swore id never learn. the language is confusing to me. i prickle at any implication that music can be objectively "good". some of the music that has meant the most to me in my life has been music that sounds scratchy or poorly recorded, on voices that others would describe as unpleasant.
i've always been more of a lyrics cat. if your words resonate with me i dont really care how they sound, as long as it feels honest. the power of music for me is having someone hold a mirror up to your soul. being able to see your experience reflected in another. to be given language for something that you could not name yourself. music like that always found me when i needed it before. but now i just, i don't know. its not there. and i cant tell if its my unwillingness to sit down with it and let it affect me, or if the music just cant find me where i am now. do they make songs for people like me anymore? or have i become unrecognizable?
i tried to talk about some of this recently with a musician. someone who prides themself on liking "good music". not pop music that 'knows what chords sound good but doesnt do anything interesting with it'. these conversations were incomprehensible to me. i cant recognize chords by name, i'm not inclined to doubt the authenticity of someones work. trying to share music with this person is a minefield. i felt like i was being graded on it. will you think less of me if i like a song you deem bad? "please don't be offended" how could i be? if you know good music and i dont, clearly i am wrong, clearly what i got out of this song doesnt matter.
i am inclined to these patterns of thought whenever anyone presents themself as an authority. i had hoped i had more emotional resilliancy to it now, thought my previous bad relationship had given me the experience to say, "I am myself whether you like it or not." but really that statement back then was just coping. if i could annoy them enough at least i knew where i stood. i could paint myself as a little freak who liked "bad" art before they could do it for me. i really should have seen the pattern coming. i know i can't handle playful meanness anymore.
this is messy. theres so many layers of pain tied up in my experience of music. bands that could get me through anything revealed to be taking advantage of fans. a lack of free time to devote to just listening. pressure to be good, to be right, to be seen as worthy. pressure on myself to just find it again, that spark, that missing piece that will let me enjoy it again, let me see myself again. i think the pressure is making it harder. i thought if i made it a challenge, just make a monthly playlist, just investigate one artist a month, this used to be nothing to you, you could do this in your sleep, i thought i could bring it back. but all it did was make it a chore. made me afraid to listen to familiar music because i was wasting time i should be spending finding new stuff. made me scared to listen to anything for fear of doing it wrong. now, two months behind on my musical commitment, i think its time that i accept it as a failure. i dont want to keep putting myself through the stress of trying. it wasnt helping anyway.
i hope the music finds me again when its ready. but for right now, i have to stop chasing it.